I'm trying to express myself in writing, but the words don't seem to sip out of my pores, maybe is because I have some many stuff on my mind. I guess it is chaos running in my mind similar to the way stuff are stacked around me. I think I need to physically remove the blockages from my path like unnecessary blockage so my mind can become clear. Where do I start, because I have the disadvantage that I'm a compulsive buyer and then it is hard for me to get rid of stuff. When I buy the stuff it makes me feel better, but it just is a temporary feeling that is just short-lived and then the guilt sets in. I need to look deep inside of why I feel like I have a hole that Im trying to feel it with stuff that just gives a brief satisfaction, but like a junkie I need a another fix to temporarily fill the gap there. I just need to look inside and see what is going on internally. I don't truly trust people to showing my vulnerable side, because when we are vulnerable we don't truly know who we expose our vulnerability to is that person truly there to be genuine with you or are they there to acquire information that later might use against you. I have had experiences in every type of relationships which some have been rewarding and others that have been learning experiences, but at the same time leaves you to question yourself to not being able to detect that some people are truly there, because the enjoy drama and they need to find it someway even if it is through other people. I have also experience amazing friendships where they truly care for your well being and my family that I know truly cares for my physical and mental well being. I have so many stuff going on in my life and I can't continue to ignore the reasons of why I have that whole in my soul, because it is not going to get better it is has been a vicious cycle in my life that I continue to block my own problems by either helping other people deal with their own issues and it temporarily helps me forget about mine, but again when I do all those frivolous spending Im reminded that Im not dealing with my primary problem of trying to figure out that hole in my soul. I understand one item that was making me unhappy was my weight and I continue to work on that, because while I have reach that goal I have also set backs, because of that whole in my soul. I need to definitely understand that there is something missing and why. Im blocked right now from stuff in my life to remove the blockage in my soul I need to work on myself not only physically but mentally. Just writing this puts me in a vulnerable position but when it comes to feelings like this I'm not the only one.
I have an assignment to complete during this week thinking about this two words judgmental and compassion. Looked the definition for both words to be on the technical term of the meaning of this two words. Let's start with the word judgmental and what it gave me for a definition for this word was tending to judge people too quickly and critically. I have been guilty of being judgmental to many people in my life and for that Im truly deeply sorry, because now I'm a little bit more understanding of situations that I wasn't letting myself see, because I let the anger inside me consume any rational thought that I had towards those people that impacted the life of my siblings and myself. I know I can not forgive something that they are not themselves regretful about, my feelings towards those individuals have been judgmental because of the other people that are important in my life and I kept it hidden from them, because they would say to me something that at the time I didn't want to hear, because I thought they didn't understand me. Before I knew of my biological father upbringing I thought of him as a complete monster with sociopathic tendency I didn't look beyond the pain the he caused so many people around him. In my counseling session with my spiritual guide I realized that when I found out about my biological father upbringing made me sick to my stomach for a child to have endured so much while he was a child through the hands of the person that gave him life and in my session I realized that for the man that give me so many bad memories from my childhood I felt compassion for him, and sometimes I would say why do I feel this way towards this person that created so much damage and destruction in his path. I'm in no way excusing his actions just like me he had a choice to which path he would pick just like I did. He decided to go the wrong way, and decided to dwell in the negative things in his life and turned to the dark side that it made his heart cold as ice, and I decided with all the pain and destruction he created for my siblings and I to rise above it and break that cycle of destruction and madness and inflicting more pain in this world. I looked up the definition of compassion as well sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. I feel compassion for the man that brought so much pain, anger, mayhem, and destruction in my life, because he didn't have the most normal childhood in the world he wasn't loved the way a child should have been by his mother, unaccept by his father, because his father thought that he wasn't his, because my paternal grandmother wasn't the most faithful wife and so my paternal grandfather decided to leave my paternal grandmother, but by my leaving he left pain and destruction in my biological father's life. His mother blamed my biological for my paternal grandfather leaving her. How to you hand out that responsibility to a child? When in actuality it was her behavior that drove her husband away, and she commit other atrocities towards my biological that it was incomprehensible. What kind of mother does that to her child? Again I'm being judgmental to my paternal grandmother I can't fathom her anger and hate towards her son that would make it excusable in her mind that it was ok to do that to her child. Let's not get this twist he is a bad human being for all the pain and destruction he create and caused, but at the same time that is all he knew. Now I have to admit that I do feel compassion towards the person while at the same time contributed to my existing in this world, while also created so much pain in my life, and I know this is in no shape or form that I have become weak this has empowered my soul. Before we judge those people harshly look deeper in that person's life and realize that they have their own stories that might not be the best and either they will rise from that trauma or just let that event in their lives mark them and let that violence continue in their lives.
