I haven't been on my blog for awhile now; but not wanting to let go of certain things have prevented me from moving on with my journey of life. Many losses have occurred in the past five years, and it all felt like it happened in the blink of an eye. But I have to see the light at the end of this whirlwind of a tunnel and while there has been dark for a seemingly long period of time, I forgot to see those light spots in the darkness as well. I was able to reconnect with one of my siblings that I haven't spoken to in forever, due to family drama. Life is so short that I've realized I really don't want to waste my life with so much anger, and hate; I want to remember my life as a fully well lived one. I have the ability to be able to see my children grow into young women and men. I get to enjoy my time watching my experience the journey of their lives whether they be happy or sad, but they know they can always count on me. I might not agree with decisions they make in their lives, but at the end of it; it is their decisions. I have a husband that loves me regardless of all my many flaws and by no means am I saying he's perfect, but I love him for everything he is and thank him for understanding and loving me for who I am. There are so many people in your life that will tell you that they love you, but do they really? People that truly love you will accept you with everything you are. I have maintained my distance from people I love in my life, because I didn't want to burden them with my issues, because everybody in life is dealing with their own stuff that I didn't want them to feel like I added another load into their lives. I don't have a ton of friends in my life and that is ok with me, and it took me awhile to accept the fact of who I am. I care deeply for the people that I love, I'm a loyal friend, and whenever you need something I am definitely there for the people I love. I'm starting to rebuild myself up, because I lost my way in the complex vortex of emotions that where breaking me apart, and I just needed to remind myself that while I might feel pain, disappointment, and disillusion of people in my life it should have not surprised me, somewhere deep down I knew who they were and I just want to hide it from plain sight until it couldn't be hidden anymore. It was sad to me, because one of those people in my life that I loved immensely made those people and how sad he would be seeing them now. At first, it was anger for me, and then it morphed into sadness, because not only was I affected by the outcome but my children were. Our children shouldn't pay for the supposed crimes our parents may have committed. I stop all together teaching my classes, because I'm the type of person that can't hide their feelings well, I have to be genuinely enjoying what I do. I wasn't enjoying teaching anymore, so I stopped. I let all the sorrow and grief consume me and let the light disappear and be forgotten. Although I wasn't forgotten, because there were people that were concerned for me; mind you even now I'm not completely in top shape, but I am one step farther than I was before. This time rebuilding myself is going to take a while, but I have to remind myself that I did it once before and I can do it again. I may have some backwards moments, but I will always get back up and move forward again.
