Bumpy road

 I haven't been on my blog for awhile now. Certain things I didn't want to part with just yet, but not wanting to let go of certain things have prevented me from moving on with my journey which is called my life. Many loses have been in this passed five years, and it felt like it happened so quickly in a blink of an eye. I have to see the light at the end of this whirlwind of a tunnel, while there has been dark for a while, I forgot to see at those light spots in the darkness. I was able to reconnect to one of my siblings that I haven't spoken in forever, because of family drama. Life is immensely so short that I really don't want to remember my life with so much anger, and hate. I want to remember my life as a whole a will lived one. I have the ability to be able to see my children grow into young women and men. I get to enjoy my time watching me experience their journey of their lives whether be happy or sad, but they know they can always count on me. I might not agree with decisions they make in their lives, but at the end of it; it is their decision. I have a husband that loves me regardless all of my mighty flaws and by no means I saying his perfect, but I love him for everything he is and thank him for understanding and loving me for who I am. There are so many people in your life that will tell you that they love, but do they really?? People that truly love you will accept you with everything you are. I have maintained my distance from people I love in my life, because I didn't want to burden them with my saddens, because everybody in life is dealing with their own stuff that I didn't want them to feel like I added another load into their lives. I don't have a ton of friends in my life and that is ok with me, and it took me awhile to accept the fact of who I am. I care deeply for the people that I love, I'm loyal friend, and whenever you need something I am definitely there for the people I love. I'm starting to rebuild myself up, because I lost my way in the complex vortex of emotions that where breaking me apart, and I just needed to remind myself that while I might feel pain, disappointment, and disillusion of people in my life it should have not surprised me, somewhere  deep down I knew who they were and I just want to hide it from plain sight until it couldn't be hidden anymore. It was sad to me, because one of those people in my life that I loved immensely made those people and how sad he would be seeing them now. At first, it was anger for me, and then into sadness, because not only I was affected by the outcome but my children were. Our children shouldn't  pay for the supposed crime they may have committed. I stop all together teaching my classes, because I'm the type of person that I can not be fake about my feelings I have to enjoy of what I do. I wasn't enjoying teaching anymore, so I stopped. I let all the sorrow and grief consume me whole and disappeared from the light and be forgotten although I wasn't forgotten but the people that were concerned for me. Mind you even now I'm not completely in top shape, but I am one step farther then I was before. This time rebuilding myself is going to take a while, but I have to remind myself that I didn't once that means I have it in me to do it again. I may have some backwards moments, but I still moving forward.

Book Recommendation

Omg this book with the three characters will take you for one hell of a ride. When you think you have the story figured out, but you realize you really don't and keeps glued to every word said and wanting to know what happens next with each character. Trent lost him wife when she was delivering their twins, and for seven years he has been a single father raising his kids. Rika lost her memory of her life not even knowing who she was, but somebody came to her life to protect her and care for her. Zane became her husband in name only to protect her, and try to find the people that put her in the hospital.<br /> “Every life has a story to tell. Don’t be afraid to start all over again. You might love your new story.”<br />Trent had to start new by raising his kids without his wife, and Rika had to start new without her past and move on ahead. Zane helped get that new beginning in her new story. <br /><br />Come with an open mind reading this book, because it is a love triangle between three people that intensely love. Rika is torn between to men that would anything for her, even to sacrifice their feelings for her to be truly happy.

Chaotic Year 2020

 This year has been a chaotic year we have some many stuff to deal with as a society with CO-VID19. We having to stay home for a couple of weeks, and now having to wear masks that is our New norm here. Still, there are people that don't do their part and wear masks. It shows how a selfish of society we can be, because it hasn't been one person not listening to wearing masks, there has been numerous people outside not wearing masks disregard other people's health. Now we are doing stuff more virtually then having direct contact. I have had therapy sessions by phone, my son having school online, my daughter able to go to school wearing a mask ofcourse. 

What have I been doing this year??

Mostly reading from different writers and different writing styles. I folded and started getting e-books, because I still one read paperback, but e-books gives so much possibilities of books and authors that probably don't have their books published in big stores like Barnes and Nobles. I don't regret getting into e-books, because it has opened my eyes to new worlds and reading amazing books along the way. I have so many writers I love their writing. The books that have gotten to my core, because I still remember their stories or would like to re-read the ebooks or have gotten them in paperback. I highly recommend this writers; S.M. Soto, T.M. Frazier, Tillie Cole, Monica James, Bella Di Corte, Jessica Hawkins, Sam Crescent, K.Webster, Giana Darling, Keri Lake, lylah James, Catherine Wiltcher, and V.F. Mason. This are some of my favorite writers that their story had stuck with me. I believe their writing is amazing and transport you into different places and scenarios. I would have to tell my friends that might be interesting in checking their books out, please have an open mind.

Hello Again

I haven't been on my blog for awhile now; but not wanting to let go of certain things have prevented me from moving on with my journey of life. Many losses have occurred in the past five years, and it all felt like it happened in the blink of an eye. But I have to see the light at the end of this whirlwind of a tunnel and while there has been dark for a seemingly long period of time, I forgot to see those light spots in the darkness as well. I was able to reconnect with one of my siblings that I haven't spoken to in forever, due to family drama. Life is so short that I've realized I really don't want to waste my life with so much anger, and hate; I want to remember my life as a fully well lived one. I have the ability to be able to see my children grow into young women and men. I get to enjoy my time watching my experience the journey of their lives whether they be happy or sad, but they know they can always count on me. I might not agree with decisions they make in their lives, but at the end of it; it is their decisions. I have a husband that loves me regardless of all my many flaws and by no means am I saying he's perfect, but I love him for everything he is and thank him for understanding and loving me for who I am. There are so many people in your life that will tell you that they love you, but do they really? People that truly love you will accept you with everything you are. I have maintained my distance from people I love in my life, because I didn't want to burden them with my issues, because everybody in life is dealing with their own stuff that I didn't want them to feel like I added another load into their lives. I don't have a ton of friends in my life and that is ok with me, and it took me awhile to accept the fact of who I am. I care deeply for the people that I love, I'm a loyal friend, and whenever you need something I am definitely there for the people I love. I'm starting to rebuild myself up, because I lost my way in the complex vortex of emotions that where breaking me apart, and I just needed to remind myself that while I might feel pain, disappointment, and disillusion of people in my life it should have not surprised me, somewhere  deep down I knew who they were and I just want to hide it from plain sight until it couldn't be hidden anymore. It was sad to me, because one of those people in my life that I loved immensely made those people and how sad he would be seeing them now. At first, it was anger for me, and then it morphed into sadness, because not only was I affected by the outcome but my children were. Our children shouldn't  pay for the supposed crimes our parents may have committed. I stop all together teaching my classes, because I'm the type of person that can't hide their feelings well,  I have to be genuinely enjoying what I do. I wasn't enjoying teaching anymore, so I stopped. I let all the sorrow and grief consume me and let the light disappear and be forgotten. Although I wasn't forgotten, because there were people that were concerned for me; mind you even now I'm not completely in top shape, but I am one step farther than I was before. This time rebuilding myself is going to take a while, but I have to remind myself that I did it once before and I can do it again. I may have some backwards moments, but I will always get back up and move forward again.

DRAMA QUEEN/VILLAIN

I haven't written in quite a while, because it has been emotionally hard for me to get back to the things I enjoyed to do in my life and unfortunately there is always consequences to letting go of the things I enjoy doing. It has put me in a dark path where I can barely see where I'm walking. I get a glimpse of light just when I think I'm heading in the right direction and then I realize that I am back to where I started. I have hurt the people that have loved me the most, because of my actions. They are my biggest supporters and they are there for me regardless of the stupid stuff that I say or do. I totally get when people say that it is easy to get comfortable in your old patterns, because it seems easier; but in the long run it is not, because I feel empty in the end. Even though I am surrounded by the people that I love the most; I still feel pain, sadness, and anger. My dad is not here anymore to ask me "ninecita porque te sientes hace?" My dad and I are from two different generations, but I learned from him to be who I am. Now, that he is no longer here I am truly an orphan. He believed in me while others didn't, and he will continuously tell me whatever the name sayers say let it be your fuel to achieve your goals. When questioned myself he was always there for me and told me "you can do it " especially if this is what you want. I hurt the people that love me the most, because they see my pain everyday and my struggle to just get up in the morning. I use to have those moments when I was younger, when my life changed after my biological mom's death, but I was just told I was a drama queen and I should just get over it. Even though through the years I have put that word in the back of my mind it still lingers in my mind and hurts like it was the first time it was said, because I showed people my vulnerability of not being to handle certain things and instead of helping or supporting me they just told me I was being a DRAMA QUEEN and to get over it. So, growing up it became harder for me to show my vulnerable side and still now it is hard. That is what I have been taught, don't show your vulnerable side it is a side of weakness that nobody cares about you, you're just wasting other people's valuable time so suck it up!! That still lingers with me and I don't know if I ever can get that out of my system, because for a long time that has been the way I have felt after that situation in my youth. The only one that understood me when it came to my feelings was my dad and sometimes he would keep things from me to protect me, because he knew how sensitive I was. Now as an adult and my father being gone I'm no longer the Drama Queen; I'm the villain of my maternal family because I supposedly wronged certain people in that family. So I have been shunned and I guess that is to be expected. But now, I can not participate in certain family activities, because I am a villain and they don't want that type of person around them. So either I am person non grata that I don't get invited or I just disinvite myself to important occasions to not ruin a special event for a niece of mine that deserves to have her special day and not have it be ruined by family drama.

7th Grade Band-Holston Middle

Male figure

 My biological father was not at all my male figure, because he was never my father in my eyes for me he is the one the half of my DNA is his and that is pretty much all we share. My father in my eyes was my mother's father which in technical terms would be my grandfather. For me, he will always be my father. He loved me and protected me above anything else. My dad would pay for my field trips and he would chaperone my field trips with me. He would pay for my dance lessons and wait for me while I took my dance lessons. We would go to the movies to see action movies which that create it my love for oldies action movies. While my dad and I didn't always see eye to eye (because there was a generational gap) I always managed to respect his ideas and thoughts. I know that all he said to me was for my welfare. When I fell out of the figurative horse and everybody else said she won't get back on that horse, my dad believed in me and said you get back on that horse and prove to yourself  that you are able to ride that horse and beyond. He didn't lose faith in me like other's would. He always stood right next to me and said you can do this sweetheart and don't listen to anyone else, believe in yourself. Thank you Dad for loving me the way you did, because you always made me feel important and loved. My dad has been my light through my good times as well as my dark times. Thank you Dad for helping me, believing in me, and guiding me. I will miss you every single day of my life, but I know that you are no longer suffering and your are with my mom and my uncle up in heaven watching down on us. It definitely was hard to see you go, but I can not be selfish to keep here with me knowing you were in pain.