I haven't written in quite a while, because it has been emotionally hard for me to get back to the things I enjoyed to do in my life and unfortunately there is always consequences to letting go of the things I enjoy doing. It has put me in a dark path where I can barely see where I'm walking. I get a glimpse of light just when I think I'm heading in the right direction and then I realize that I am back to where I started. I have hurt the people that have loved me the most, because of my actions. They are my biggest supporters and they are there for me regardless of the stupid stuff that I say or do. I totally get when people say that it is easy to get comfortable in your old patterns, because it seems easier; but in the long run it is not, because I feel empty in the end. Even though I am surrounded by the people that I love the most; I still feel pain, sadness, and anger. My dad is not here anymore to ask me "ninecita porque te sientes hace?" My dad and I are from two different generations, but I learned from him to be who I am. Now, that he is no longer here I am truly an orphan. He believed in me while others didn't, and he will continuously tell me whatever the name sayers say let it be your fuel to achieve your goals. When questioned myself he was always there for me and told me "you can do it " especially if this is what you want. I hurt the people that love me the most, because they see my pain everyday and my struggle to just get up in the morning. I use to have those moments when I was younger, when my life changed after my biological mom's death, but I was just told I was a drama queen and I should just get over it. Even though through the years I have put that word in the back of my mind it still lingers in my mind and hurts like it was the first time it was said, because I showed people my vulnerability of not being to handle certain things and instead of helping or supporting me they just told me I was being a DRAMA QUEEN and to get over it. So, growing up it became harder for me to show my vulnerable side and still now it is hard. That is what I have been taught, don't show your vulnerable side it is a side of weakness that nobody cares about you, you're just wasting other people's valuable time so suck it up!! That still lingers with me and I don't know if I ever can get that out of my system, because for a long time that has been the way I have felt after that situation in my youth. The only one that understood me when it came to my feelings was my dad and sometimes he would keep things from me to protect me, because he knew how sensitive I was. Now as an adult and my father being gone I'm no longer the Drama Queen; I'm the villain of my maternal family because I supposedly wronged certain people in that family. So I have been shunned and I guess that is to be expected. But now, I can not participate in certain family activities, because I am a villain and they don't want that type of person around them. So either I am person non grata that I don't get invited or I just disinvite myself to important occasions to not ruin a special event for a niece of mine that deserves to have her special day and not have it be ruined by family drama.
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