Pains of my life

I feel guilty at times on the way I feel, because there are people out there with so much more suffering and the make the best of what they got. I have some many things going in my life that is pushing back to my old ways, and that is not good at all, and I know Im the only one that can do something about it. I just don't have the strength right now. I just need to regroup. First, anniversary of the my mother-in-law being gone affecting so many people in my life in so many different ways, and as well is affecting me. I'm not saying by any means of the word that my mother-in-law and I didn't have our bumps in the road, but we always managed to get pass them. She was helpful with the kids and building traditions for the kids to keep and our family, but now that she is gone those things have gone out the wind it is so hard now being the main female to this family, because I am not by no means like my mother-in-law we had some stuff in common, but she was the organizer of everything or should I say the planner. We didn't appreciate the enthusiasm she had in making birthday cakes for the children and they realize that now, or when they kids had odd request of costumes that my mother-in-law made it possible. I believe there is one spot in my life that it has hit me hard. I have not touched my sewing machine or have the desire to touch it, because it reminds me on the times my mother in law want to lend me a hand in one of my patterns when I didn't understand something and I took that of grant. I have so many feelings going on. My parents health is not at their greatest and I know they are eventually going to be gone as well, but still Im not prepared for that and it freaks me out, and Im so far away from them. My oldest got out of a long dragging relationship that was dragging her down into a deep whole where I believe in a way she left a little bit of herself in that long relationship. She got into another relationship with a seemingly nice young man, but my kids are being raised with city mentality and we live in a very traditional state where if you don't conform to certain ways your an outsider or an undesirable. People judge you by your appearance or your beliefs, and not really get to know the person. This young man parents already had a preconceived notion of my daughter, so regardless of what she might be they already knew who exactly who she was. My daughter is loving, loyal, among other qualities and of course she is human she has her flaws, but what give other the right to judge an individual without even giving that person to show how they are. I feel for my daughter and I truly knows how valuable she is as a person and woman, and to never let anyone make her feel inferior, because she is far from that. This situations has left me stressed and worried for my children and my family overall. I have gained 40 pounds in this situation and it is another thing stressing me out, because of all the hard work I have put in my healthy path, but I have let all this kinda derail my path.

Blessed while the world around you might be set on fire.

I have gained some weight back and that kind of saddens me, because my hard work I put in to  it to get to the place I want to be. Just unexpected things happened in my life last year and this year that I having to find a way on processing it. First one I believe was out of anybody control, because you don't know when death is going to ring your doorbell, but the people that stay are the ones left suffering, because it was unexpected. Now this year dealing with a situation I should have dealt with it a different way, but to error is human, and I had to let go of certain things that at one point looked good but soured, and that saddens me. This pass couple of days have been bizarre I guess to say the less. I want to thank the people that love me regardless of anything and I don't need yes people either. I need people to tell me that yes you screwed up, but you had no ill well. Thank you for my kids for loving me regardless of my imperfections and try to put a smile on my face when they I needed the most. Thank you for my amazing husband for always being my rock when I think I am about to fall he is there to tell me that he is always going to be there for me regardless of anything. My best-friend Marisol for giving an ear and a shoulder to relate my story of sadness in my soul. This blog is not to make anybody feel guilty of anything. If I did you wrong Im sorry. At the same time Im thankful for the people that love me and support me without them I think I would just break apart. I just have to gather up that strength that I had to before when I start on this healthy journey and regain that strength back, and get out of this hump and see more of the good stuff going on in my life. It is easier to fall in the pitiful of despair, but I can not let myself quit on myself. Thank you to my support system.

Narcissism in social media

While the world wide way has open our society into new horizons, it has also amplified to make us see how narcissist some individuals can me to be posting all the time their issues with people or with the world in general. When is it time to realize that Facebook or any type of social media is not your private journal, because the world is looking at it, and those that are sheep will believe everywhere you say. When do we stop needing attention from other people to state our issues with our personal life or other people in our lives. I'm not saying don't post items, but when we have certain issues let's face it head on and not share with the world with the world truly not knowing the circumstances of situations in your life. Are we really so desperate for approval by other people of our actions or behavior? I was brought up that if you have an issue with yourself or others to deal with it in appropriate manner not blast it on Facebook or any other type of social media, because that states that your looking either for sheep that well fan your egos to boost or just to make you feel that is right that you write certain things, or are you just seeking attention for pity? Ask yourself that.Either way you devalue yourself for playing childish games. In this world we deal with as adults keeping our lives private and only share with people that are truly intimate or close friends why does the world need to know about negative situations going on in your life or with certain individuals. I might not know what people that write down their issues with society or individuals, but I do believe with every fiber of my being is that we have turned into a very narcissistic society to write down every thing that is going in our lives even make our social media accounts our journals where we need to feel that instant gratification of acceptance or needing an entourage of saying stuff to fill your ego. This is my own personal opinion regarding this topic, or you know what create a blog writing all your frustration and share with individuals that will tell you their opinion  to your face. When somebody cares about you they will tell you it is wrong to put stuff on the web of what is going on in your life. Value yourself more and deal with situations in the real world where we deal with our situations in our lives head on.

Regrouping

Sometimes we have to reanalyze where did I lose my step of my health journey Im not merely where I was when I first start my weight loss journey, but I have still gain weight that is unacceptable to me 20 pounds is unacceptable, because I have it in my I have shown it time again that if you put your mind to it you are able to conquer anything. Just have to realize that my setback has to do with an emotional struggle that I go throyugh inside and I guess I'm not dealing with it the right way, because that emotional situation is kinda left unexpressed, because you think you are walking on egg shells around certain people in my life and I need to worry that I need to be the strong one, but sometimes when nobody is watching I cry of thinking of that emotional situation that is getting to my soul and forgetting my motivation of one I start in this healthy journey, that is why I believe I need to refocus on my goal and why I start and work on what work for me then and work on it, as well as my emotional well being and maybe share my feelings with somebody that is just there to listen to me. I haven't written in a while, because my family has gone through a rollercoaster of a emotion when it comes to a major lose in our life and not knowing how to deal with it and talk about it without walking on egg shells, I believe this is my first step in working on this problem I am having, and I hope this help people going through this type of emotional situation. You don't realize how somebody is important in your life until their gone, because we took those people for granted until they are no longer here. I hope she forgives me for not being the best daughter-in-law, and I know she loved us with all our imperfections. You are truly missed so many beautiful memories you are leaving behind, but always many first of stuff that we are still trying to deal with that. I thought I wouldn't feel that way since the lose of my mother, but it came back that feeling of feeling overwhelmed with so many of emotions.

Judgemental and Compassion

I have an assignment to complete during this week thinking about this two words judgmental and compassion. Looked the definition for both words to be on the technical term of the meaning of this two words. Let's start with the word judgmental and what it gave me for a definition for this word was tending to judge people too quickly and critically. I have been guilty of being judgmental to many people in my life and for that Im truly deeply sorry, because now I'm a little bit more understanding of situations that I wasn't letting myself see, because I let the anger inside me consume any rational thought that I had towards those people that impacted the life of my siblings and myself. I know I can not forgive something that they are not themselves regretful about, my feelings towards those individuals have been judgmental because of the other people that are important in my life and I kept it hidden from them, because they would say to me something that at the time I didn't want to hear, because I thought they didn't understand me. Before I knew of my biological father upbringing I thought of him as a complete monster with sociopathic tendency I didn't look beyond the pain the he caused so many people around him. In my counseling session with my spiritual guide I realized that when I found out about my biological father upbringing made me sick to my stomach for a child to have endured so much while he was a child through the hands of the person that gave him life and in my session I realized that for the man that give me so many bad memories from my childhood I felt compassion for him, and sometimes I would say why do I feel this way towards this person that created so much damage and destruction in his path. I'm in no way excusing his actions just like me he had a choice to which path he would pick  just like I did. He decided to go the wrong way, and decided to dwell in the negative things in his life and turned to the dark side that it made his heart cold as ice, and I decided with all the pain and destruction he created for my siblings and I to rise above it and break that cycle of destruction and madness and inflicting more pain in this world. I looked up the definition of compassion as well sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. I feel compassion for the man that brought so much pain, anger, mayhem, and destruction in my life, because he didn't have the most normal childhood in the world he wasn't loved the way a child should have been by his mother, unaccept by his father, because his father thought that he wasn't his, because my paternal grandmother wasn't the most faithful wife and so my paternal grandfather decided to leave my paternal grandmother, but by my leaving he left pain and destruction in my biological father's life. His mother blamed my biological for my paternal grandfather leaving her. How to you hand out that responsibility to a child? When in actuality it was her behavior that drove her husband away, and she commit other atrocities towards my biological that it was incomprehensible. What kind of mother does that to her child? Again I'm being judgmental to my paternal grandmother I can't fathom her anger and hate towards her son that would make it excusable in her mind that it was ok to do that to her child. Let's not get this twist he is a bad human being  for all the pain and destruction he create and caused, but at the same time that is all he knew. Now I have to admit that I do feel compassion towards the person while at the same time contributed to my existing in this world, while also created so much pain in my life, and I know this is in no shape or form that I have become weak this has empowered  my soul. Before we judge those people harshly look deeper in that person's life and realize that they have their own stories that might not be the best and either they will rise from that trauma or just let that event in their lives mark them and let that violence continue in their lives.

Blockage

I'm trying to express myself in writing, but the words don't seem to sip out of my pores, maybe is because I have some many stuff on my mind. I guess it is chaos running in my mind similar to the way stuff are stacked around me. I think I need to physically remove the blockages from my path like unnecessary blockage so my mind can become clear. Where do I start, because I have the disadvantage that I'm a compulsive buyer and then it is hard for me to get rid of stuff. When I buy the stuff it makes me feel better, but it just is a temporary feeling that is just short-lived and then the guilt sets in. I need to look deep inside of why I feel like I have a hole that Im trying to feel it with stuff that just gives a brief satisfaction, but like a junkie I need a another fix to temporarily fill the gap there. I just need to look inside and see what is going on internally. I don't truly trust people to showing my vulnerable side, because when we are vulnerable we don't truly know who we expose our vulnerability to is that person truly there to be genuine with you or are they there to acquire information that later might use against you. I have had experiences in every type of relationships which some have been rewarding and others that have been learning experiences, but at the same time leaves you to question yourself to not being able to detect that some people are truly there, because the enjoy drama and they need to find it someway even if it is through other people. I have also experience amazing friendships where they truly care for your well being and my family that I know truly cares for my physical and mental well being. I have so many stuff going on in my life and I can't continue to ignore the reasons of why I have that whole in my soul, because it is not going to get better it is has been a vicious cycle in my life that I continue to block my own problems by either helping other people deal with their own issues and it temporarily helps me forget about mine, but again when I do all those frivolous spending Im reminded that Im not dealing with my primary problem of trying to figure out that hole in my soul. I understand one item that was making me unhappy was my weight and I continue to work on that, because while I have reach that goal I have also set backs, because of that whole in my soul. I need to definitely understand that there is something missing and why. Im blocked right now from stuff in my life to remove the blockage in my soul I need to work on myself not only physically but mentally. Just writing this puts me in a vulnerable position but when it comes to feelings like this I'm not the only one.