Bumpy road

 I haven't been on my blog for awhile now. Certain things I didn't want to part with just yet, but not wanting to let go of certain things have prevented me from moving on with my journey which is called my life. Many loses have been in this passed five years, and it felt like it happened so quickly in a blink of an eye. I have to see the light at the end of this whirlwind of a tunnel, while there has been dark for a while, I forgot to see at those light spots in the darkness. I was able to reconnect to one of my siblings that I haven't spoken in forever, because of family drama. Life is immensely so short that I really don't want to remember my life with so much anger, and hate. I want to remember my life as a whole a will lived one. I have the ability to be able to see my children grow into young women and men. I get to enjoy my time watching me experience their journey of their lives whether be happy or sad, but they know they can always count on me. I might not agree with decisions they make in their lives, but at the end of it; it is their decision. I have a husband that loves me regardless all of my mighty flaws and by no means I saying his perfect, but I love him for everything he is and thank him for understanding and loving me for who I am. There are so many people in your life that will tell you that they love, but do they really?? People that truly love you will accept you with everything you are. I have maintained my distance from people I love in my life, because I didn't want to burden them with my saddens, because everybody in life is dealing with their own stuff that I didn't want them to feel like I added another load into their lives. I don't have a ton of friends in my life and that is ok with me, and it took me awhile to accept the fact of who I am. I care deeply for the people that I love, I'm loyal friend, and whenever you need something I am definitely there for the people I love. I'm starting to rebuild myself up, because I lost my way in the complex vortex of emotions that where breaking me apart, and I just needed to remind myself that while I might feel pain, disappointment, and disillusion of people in my life it should have not surprised me, somewhere  deep down I knew who they were and I just want to hide it from plain sight until it couldn't be hidden anymore. It was sad to me, because one of those people in my life that I loved immensely made those people and how sad he would be seeing them now. At first, it was anger for me, and then into sadness, because not only I was affected by the outcome but my children were. Our children shouldn't  pay for the supposed crime they may have committed. I stop all together teaching my classes, because I'm the type of person that I can not be fake about my feelings I have to enjoy of what I do. I wasn't enjoying teaching anymore, so I stopped. I let all the sorrow and grief consume me whole and disappeared from the light and be forgotten although I wasn't forgotten but the people that were concerned for me. Mind you even now I'm not completely in top shape, but I am one step farther then I was before. This time rebuilding myself is going to take a while, but I have to remind myself that I didn't once that means I have it in me to do it again. I may have some backwards moments, but I still moving forward.