Changes/stuck

So, many stuff have happened at the beginning of this year that have left with so many questions?? Some about the trust I lay out  and maybe sometimes my over cautious nature, and it is kind of lonely not be able to share stuff with the people around me, because I am so afraid to be vulnerable, but at the same time this is not helping me out with my health neither my emotional stability. I question my capabilities everybody else see's is it around me, and I myself need to get out of the hole I made from myself, just when I think I am out of the hole something reminds me it is an illusion and becomes quick sand and I am stuck back in that whole. I do want to make a change in my life and make it stick I hate when I think I am moving forward and just when I think I have hit solid ground the quick sand happens and I go back to that same hole. I do feel deeply especially when I get cut physically and emotionally, but while the physical part heals very quickly what about the emotional scars that people leave you in your soul. I have so many battle scars that is hard to count on how many, but I still keep on going, because I have motivates to keep me standing. Although, believe me it is hard at times to keep a smile on my face when I have so much pain inside not only from old scars, but the new scars created in my soul, maybe I am a tormented soul, but I want to make this life for me work and use all the assets I have and all the things I have learned from my past and what I am living now for me to make an amazing positive change in my life with steady pass and a true solid ground, not the illusion of a solid ground. I am getting tired of going back to those cycles that don't work for me and haven't worked. I want to appreciate every breath I take, enjoy the people that love me and want to me part of my life. I do truly love my family and friends, and by friends I mean the one's that truly have known me the true me and loved me with all my good and bad moments. A while back I wanted to lose the weight, but before I can work on my weight I have to work on myself meaning myself worth as a person and what makes me happy. I think of everybody else and I leave myself for last, because at times I think if I do that I would be selfish, but I guess we need to have those moments where we have to think where we want to head our lives and how we want to live the life we have. I want to make a change that will make me happy, because I know when I find my happiness it will improve my health and make me even stronger to withstand the stronger of storms and not shake me in the least. I want to lose the weight, but first I have to work on why I have not lost that weight?? That is a question I have to figure out and that is a challenge that I am willing to take, because I am sick and tired I need a CHANGE!!!!